Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
