they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
