Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
