I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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