Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
