my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
