My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Randomize
