The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
