So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
