That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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