This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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