I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
