I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
