I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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