If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
