I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How does it feel to date your dad?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
