Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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