I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
