dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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