It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
