just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
