i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
