Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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