a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
