Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
