I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
you inspire me to be a worse person
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
