My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
