Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
