I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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