I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
