I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
