They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
