I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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