I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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