Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
COCAINE IS GR8
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
