I think I won the penis lottery.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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