I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
