im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
