he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
