either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
