I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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