God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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