I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
