my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
