I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
