apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
