1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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