If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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