Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
