Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them

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(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

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(703): View more from Virginia

You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight

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(407): View more from Florida

moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.

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