I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
